A successful woman professional needs exactly what a successful male professional ‘has’ – a partner who bears the burden of the house.
The neat and tidy roles defined by our society may just be on the threshold of change; breaking the stereotype of husband being the primary bread winner for the family and the woman handling household chores and kids.
A recent commercial by Ariel washing powder shows a distressed father watching his daughter manage her office calls, kitchen essentials, kids and working husband with the husband sipping on his tea, oblivious to his wife’s multitasking. The father apologizes for setting the wrong example for his daughter; that of never helping her mom, leading her to believe that’s the way to live!
The advertisement shows how we unknowingly pass on such ideologies to our kids and how these ideas are deep rooted in our upbringing. Agrees Nayamat Bawa, senior relationship psychologist, “I have come across men who have whole-heartedly contributed to building a home and a family and most of such men had an upbringing where they were sensitized to a woman’s needs, taught to respect women for their roles and taught that no work is small or big, especially if it concerns your own house or own family.” Especially with both men and women earning handsome pay packages, it must not come as a surprise for anyone if the couple decides to switch traditional roles.
Would it not be better then that we put the freedom of thought in the hands of our kids? Lego did exactly that. They recently launched a stay-at-home dad and working mother play set for kids. Lego said, “We are trying to portray the world around us and listen to our consumer base.” Now it is up to the kid to pretend like the dad in the play set is a stay-at-home dad (SAHD) or a dad swapping responsibilities with the working mother or anything that goes in their imagination.
Sid Balachandran, a stay at home dad and freelancer shares, “When I decided to stay at home and take care of the kid, initial years were difficult and confusing. People around us had an opinion about how things needed to run. In the end, I realised that trade-off is a part of life and we only mature when we let go of this ‘log kya kahenge’ thing. It’s easier said than done but hey, at least we’re all doing it together and setting the right examples.” Agrees Samar Halarnkar who quit his job as the managing editor of Hindustan Times to turn into a columnist and author, just to take care of his daughter Alia.
But are we really serious about changing the mind set? Gnawing at the recent trailer of Kareena Kapoor and Arjun Kapoor starrer, Ki and Ka, I hear a male colleague saying, “What’s wrong with this man? Did you see him wear red heels to an event? They want to strengthen the image of a woman or womanize a man?” Going about lauding the subject of the movie, the bitter truth occurred to me. If a man wants to cook, stay at home and take care of the household, he must also wear red heels, a sign of femininity. In short, he is emasculated.
Smriti Sawhney, Chief Psychologist explains, “Just like women have stepped out of their homes and are doing the balancing act, the men can ‘step-in’ and help their partners be more healthy physically and emotionally. The acceptance to the change in mindset can about in two ways. Firstly, the idea of men helping in household chores and child rearing needs to be etched in a male’s heart and brain when he is still growing and learning the social meanings and expectations attached with them with being a male. Secondly, it is important for women to be assertive (not aggressive) with regards to the assistance they need and asking for it without feeling ashamed about it. I have come across couples where the men have thought that their wives are happy being in control and their offering suggestions or help may lead to a conflict so they never approached their wives and the wives never asked for it yet harbored a burdened feeling from managing so much.”
Balancing act
The demands of running a household along with the changing needs of a child are relentless. Add a career to this concoction and you have a heady mix for disaster, especially if the partner is not supportive.
“Having an unsupportive partner can play havoc on a woman-a home maker or a working woman’s psyche. Such women often struggle with low self esteem and are burdened physically and emotionally to run the household as well as rear their children, ultimately resulting in women with moderate to severe emotional disturbances often referred to as a PMSing woman or that she’s just being a woman,” adds Sawhney. Neetu Arora, interior designer, IVY Concepts adds, “I would say, it is the mutual cooperation and compatibility between the spouses that encourages a woman to think beyond family. Good bonding not only strengthens the relationship, it allows a woman to deliver her best both at home and workplace.”
Having lived in the U.S. for over a decade and having traveled the world over, Ekta Sethi and Sachin Sethi moved to India with their two kids to take Ekta’s dream venture ‘Rungg’ forward. While Sachin travels back and forth to run his established business in the US. “Sachin’s role in my life is in effect empowering hundreds of women and she desires this for every woman she meets,” Ekta shares.
SID BALACHANDRAN, a freelancer and a stay-at-home dad shares his story of being a SAHD
We were in London for close to a decade. We had our son in 2012 while in London. Both of us were employed at that point; my wife took her maternity leave and during that period we took the decision to move back to India. We both looked for work but she managed to get a promotional transfer within her firm and we decided to move. The initial decision was that I’ll come and look for a job. But after we moved, things changed and I decided to take a break for a bit. Also, we were keen to make sure that at least one of us was around during his formative years.
I’ve been a SAHD since April 2013 and fortunately found my calling in writing and now I juggle the stay at home role with some freelance writing and blogging too. The initial years were difficult and confusing. People around us had an opinion about how things needed to run. But the way I look at it is that just because one of us is the stay at home parent, doesn’t mean the other parent totally shuns off responsibility.
I often tell anyone and everyone who asks me about our situation that we are extremely happy with our situation. And that more couples should try it if they can and if the situation allows. It strengthens your bond as a couple and helps you become better parents too by setting the right example for kids – that parenting is not a gender specific thing; it’s dependent on your attitude not your gender.
Naval K Pratihast who works in the financial sector allowed his wife to step out from the shackles of the roles defined by Indian society to pursue her career dreams.
Being a working professional myself I know the importance of finding one’s calling and honoring that. Much against the wishes of both our families, I let her relocate to Bangalore alone and today she is running a PR firm, just like she dreamt of. I clean the house, buy groceries, wash clothes and handle my work. I would be lying if I say I don’t miss her or that I don’t find ‘handling the household’ alone a bit overwhelming, but I am happy that she has found her ground. I didn’t want her to turn into an unhappy and dissatisfied wife. Since she is now well settled in the city, I am trying to relocate to be with her.
Let’s hear it from top woman professionals if they agree ‘Behind every successful woman is a man managing the house’
Seema Ahuja, VP and Global Head of Communications, Biocon: Mindsets have changed tremendously since late 90’s, where women had to be almost like a superwoman managing career and family. Today, the gender divide is fading as more women are taking centre stage and husbands are becoming more supportive, sharing familial responsibilities and encouraging their wives to pursue their dreams. It’s a challenge to draw a fine balance between a happy married life and a successful career which needs patience, commitment and resilience. Having said that, I think better times are yet to come, when we will become gender agnostic and will discuss the role of a spouse in making a person successful, which is beyond doubt most critical.
Prachi Mohapatra -Sr.Manager Brand & Communications, South Asia, Oriflame India: I believe behind every successful woman is a trust circle. This fuels the visible and latent capability of a woman. It offers a cushion of faith that the foundation on which she stands is going to remain as strong when she comes back home after a long tiring day or a business trip. Gone are the days when this was the arena of a woman. At this day and age, the man rises up to the challenge of holding it all together providing wind under her wings and I am glad that I have the same.
Neeru Anand, Director (Human Capital), Acreaty Management Consultant Pvt. Ltd: I have started an HR Solution start-up which has become a reputed multinational organization today with the constant support of my husband. He simultaneously spares time for me despite his corporate engagements and hectic work schedules.